


Marauding Hour

by Flying_Flitwicks



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Detention, Eventual James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Friendship, Humor, I love the Marauders so much, Is this a Crack-fic?, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-18
Updated: 2020-07-10
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:35:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24244357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flying_Flitwicks/pseuds/Flying_Flitwicks
Summary: Out of detention ideas, Dumbledore tasks the Marauders to open one of the things missing from ol' Hogwarts: a wizarding school radio. Why does Minerva look like she's about to burst with anger?
Comments: 7
Kudos: 20





	1. Dumbledore's Great Idea

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Hey, wizards and witches! I got this idea while listening to MBMBaM — stands for My Brother, My Brother and Me, if you're not familiar with it. It's a hilarious 'advice' podcast for the 'modern' era done by the McElroy brothers, and possibly, one of the best things here on Earth. This is my attempt at writing a humour fic. Do humour me. Please.

_Prologue_

_**Dumbledore's Great Idea** _

"Boys, I am very disappointed."

Albus Dumbledore tried to look as stern as possible in his sparkly neon pink robes, courtesy of the four young men in front of him. He garnered four different reactions from his statement: Mr. Potter smiled sheepishly, Mr. Black winked shamelessly, Mr. Lupin looked as if he wanted the ground to swallow him, while Mr. Pettigrew sunk further in his seat and looked like he was on the verge of tears.

"Now, what punishment should I ought to give them?" Albus muttered to himself as he lifted the cup of tea towards his mouth.

The Marauders — as what they had called themselves since their second year — welcomed this year with a _bang_.

The journey started from the Hogwarts Express by buying all the sweets from the trolley lady.

_("It was the happiest moment of my life, Albus!")_

Surely, it brought happiness towards the trolley lady who had been working there for decades, but the same cannot be said towards Hagrid's experience. The quartet seated in front of him distributed sweets and chocolates to everyone on the train — most of it given the first years. It was a startling realization that lakes and boats filled with children in a sugar rush do not bode well together. Dumbledore was certain that Hagrid earned a couple of white hairs that on that journey alone.

Apart from that, these young boys managed to decorate every thestral with a huge, pink bow on its head _(as of this moment, Hagrid has been unsuccessful in removing it)_ ; charmed his robes into a sparkly, neon pink one _(he rather liked it but Dumblydoor was written on his bum in solid letters and it was rather scandalous)_ ; transfigured Minerva's hat into a puppy _(it was adorable but don't let Minerva know it!);_ charmed Pomona's fingers into neon green _(he wanted to bet that it was a figure of speech, but sadly, Poppy hasn't taken him up on his bet);_ somehow manipulated Filius' height ten times than his original one _(an impressive feat, if he were to be honest);_ and changed Horace's suit into a shirt that promoted his club _('Sluggy Club Numbah One,' it had said)_.

In truth, it made Hogwarts more appealing to the first years, especially the Muggle-borns. He wanted to give them praises, but Minerva had sent him a look that made him promise of retribution in the faculty's behalf.

Now, they're holed in his office as he tried to come up with a proper response to their mischief.

"This sucks, I'm going to miss Llewellyn's interview on the wireless tonight," Albus heard Mr. Potter mutter under his breath.

"I can already hear Moony's miserable thoughts on missing tonight's guide on werewo- _ow_! _Why_ in the name of _Merlin_ did you hit me, _Moony_!" Mr. Black complained loudly at his friend, rubbing at his sore arm.

"You were about to drop the _W_ word!" Mr. Lupin retorted.

"Oh calm down, _Albus_ knows about it already. You don't have to be ashamed," Mr. Black waved his friend's worries away.

"Is something wrong?" Albus asked even though he had a clue on what they were talking about. He watched in delight as they squirmed under his faux-stern gaze.

"Just some silly things they're missing on the wireless, Albus," Mr. Black answered him with an air of pompousness. He figured the Black heir was exuding an adult in his life.

"It's not some silly thing! It might possibly save a life or two!" Mr. Lupin exclaimed, looking outraged at the thought of his favourite wireless show, _Keeping Up With A Werewolf_ , a silly thing.

"Yeah, Pads, _Quidditch Life_ is saving my life!" Mr. Potter chimed.

Albus turned to look expectantly at Mr. Pettigrew, waiting for him to speak up. The smallest of the four shrugged and looked at him helplessly before saying, "I'm not in a rush. _Kneazle Whisperer_ has a lot of reruns."

"Because it sucks, Wormy," Mr. Black stated in a matter-of-fact tone.

"Hey, I caught you listening to it last time!" Mr. Potter pointed out.

As they continued bickering in front of him, Albus went back on his own thoughts. What could he possibly give these four talented students a punishment that will also be beneficial to them and the school?

Albus remembered when he was young and utterly bored of his mind that he would go on with countless of experiments and pranks on his brother and sister — _oh,_ golly Godric. Those are dangerous thoughts, Albus. _Focus._

Forbidden Forest is their turf already, it wouldn't do anything to them.

They would have fun cleaning the Great Hall as well. Besides, the Hogwarts elves had just cleaned it a week ago.

The cauldrons are clean from being scrubbed by their hands.

Pomona's greenhouse is also in bloom because of these men…

_What would these men hate?_

Sit for hours.

_What are they good at?_

Talking non-stop, as he can clearly see in front of him.

"Shut up, Padfoot, you talk as if you don't listen to wireless as well!" Mr. Lupin chided the Black Heir beside him.

Wireless? Hmm...now that he thought about it, there was supposed to be a Hogwarts wireless back in the 60s. It was a wonder why it wasn't continued. Never mind then, he knows what he'll do with these men.

"Follow me."

* * *

"What is this?" Mr. Black uttered in distaste.

In front of them was an abandoned room that was half the size of a normal classroom. Various cabinets and blank cupboards were found in every corner and in the middle of the room sat six tables covered in dusty slipcovers. With a flick of his wand, the candles lighted around the room — a move that surprised the four men behind him — and several brooms came inside to sweep away decades of clogged dust in the room.

The four men behind him followed his suite as they summoned more brooms and even rags to clean the room. After checking there were no ghouls in the room, he entered, beckoning them to join him, and simultaneously lifted the slipcovers from the tables with another flick of his wand.

"Are those...equipment for wireless radio?" Mr. Lupin asked hesitatingly.

Albus beamed at him before inspecting the speakers if it was still working. Tapping his wand on one of the speakers — temporarily limiting the broadcasting capability inside the room only — he said, "Why yes, Remus. These are equipment for a wireless radio program."

"Headmaster Dumbledore, sir, what are we supposed to do here?" Mr. Potter voiced out what the other three men were thinking beside him.

"Well, you, my boys, are going to host Hogwarts' wireless wizarding radio!"

And so on that day, four men, albeit reluctantly, began planning and plotting for almost a week. They posted on every notice-board about a mysterious show coming to their wireless on Thursdays at 7:30 pm, placed various bins around the castle with a sign 'Ask Anything You Want To Be Answered!' that they had charmed to directly transport the pieces of parchment into their magical bowl.

They got a bit engrossed in their work — surprisingly they were having fun — that none of them realised they were being sussed out.

Lily Evans looked out in worry at the four men, specifically directed to a certain hazel-eyed boy. Hogsmeade weekend was coming, but he hadn't even asked her out in the past few days. None of them had even bothered to come up to her.

Severus Snape was extremely suspicious. No one had called him 'Snivellus' for the past few days. He even dropped a porcupine on Potter's cauldron when he was occupied. He had even mentioned when it was ignored and received an apology instead. An apology...from _Potter._ "Am I dying, Merlin?" Severus muttered to himself.

Minerva McGonagall was going crazy. The Marauders hadn't been this quiet in a long time. There was something going to happen...and it was all Dumbledore's fault. And so she marched up to his office, cornered him in his table, and asked, "What the bloody hell did you do to them?"

"Lemon drops?" Albus offered in greeting. With twinkling eyes, he uttered, "I hear there's a new station on Thursday, Minerva. You should tune in."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you have any questions for the Marauders? Needing any advice? Yes, I will incorporate this in the story. :)
> 
> Cheers for reading! x


	2. Dungheapiticus

_A Marauder Archive_

_A Summary Written by James Charlus Potter_

_Episode Un_

_**Dungheapiticus** _

_**-** _

Moony, I tried to charm this parchment, but it won't change my name to Prongs. Why is this writing down? You're telling me _just_ now that this is permanent? A hundred-word limit? I'll stop when I want to, Moony! _Alright_ , calm your hippogriffs!

Our first episode...should I call it episode? Yeah, episode _un_ — stop correcting my French, Padfoot! — will talk about the general flow of our 'episodes'. We're going to revisit Moony's childhood crush, _the_ Dorcas Meadows — this is important, Moony! — what else? Oh, my romantic involvement under the glistening moonlight, Wormy's dungheapiticus meter, and _fine_ — Padfoot is the biggest flirt. _Happy?_

* * *

It was the first episode of "Detention Time" (temporary, as they were still settling on a name) with the Marauders who were all were fidgeting in their seats. James was itching to tick this off his cauldron list already, Sirius was excited to enact their 'prank' in the face of the whole wizarding society, Remus was anxiously watching the countdown until they were on-air, while Peter...

Peter's hands trembled as he gripped the body of the ribbon microphone in front of him, "What if I mess it up? What if I just ended up laughing for the whole time?"

"Relax, Wormy," James said, trying to soothe his nerves. He focused all of his attention on the rat Animagus seated in front of him. "You can imagine we're talking in the common room so laugh all you want."

"Five, four, three," Remus muttered under his breath with his eyes focused on the modified Tempus Spell, "two, one. We're on air!"

"Welcome, wizards and witches!" James began the show. "This is the handsome Prongs speaking!"

"The dashing Padfoot at your service," Sirius introduced himself, clamping a reassuring hand on their nervous friend.

"This is Wo-wormtail," Peter stuttered and sent them triumphant grins afterwards.

"I'm Moony," Remus said, shrugging when Sirius sent him a pointed look. "I don't want to introduce myself as _Moaning_ Moony, Pads."

"We're not really sure how this works," James said.

Sirius snorted and threw in, "Yeah, thanks a _lot_ , Albus."

"But we've come up with a plan that we hope you'll enjoy. Right, Wormy?" Remus asked.

Peter only gave a shaky nod in response which prompted James to lean and whisper, "Wormy, you have to talk. They won't be able to see us."

"Y-yeah, we-we've been working on this for the past few days," Peter continued hesitatingly.

"Let me read this," Sirius said as he peered at the parchment he received from Remus. "We're going to have a couple of segments — _yadda, yadda, yadda,_ — a story time from us four incredible men —"

"You have to follow the script, Pads," Remus reminded him.

"— boring script — where was I? Right, well, you'll get a segment called Remus Reads — RR for short, like Ririus' Rack."

"Padfoot!"

Sirius carried on as if he wasn't interrupted. "That's literature talk with Hogwarts' favourite nerd. You'll also get a Theory with Wormy and Paddy — what's that? TWP? Why are these segment titles so bland? I'm going to change that — uh, according here, it's the best segment according to several sources — "

" _Biased_ sources," Remus interjected.

" — Another one we have is Trivia with James over here. It's extremely useless so you can stop listening to us when it's his segment."

"It's not useless!" James complained loudly.

"Yeah, right," Sirius said, scoffing at the idea of his trivias, "I didn't need to know diricawls still exist, thank you very much."

Remus leaned in front of him to swipe the parchment away from Sirius' hands and read, "The main segment we have is 'Hogwarts Asks'. Thank you for dropping your lovely questions in the Marau...Maraubins—I didn't make that _horrible_ pun—"

"Hey!" Sirius cried, trying to grab the parchment from Remus' steady grip.

"We'll also try to answer your questions in the best way we can," Remus continued as he ignored Sirius' attempts of nicking the paper in his hands.

"We'll also have a segment called 'Guestpert'. We're still not yet sure how that'll work out...but we're going to be inviting guests to talk with us." James grimaced before continuing, "You can drop suggestions in our _Maraubins_."

"Since this is our f-first episode, we're going to answer your questions first," Peter uttered closely to the microphone as if afraid his voice wasn't loud enough. He grabbed the bowl situated between him and Sirius and said, "We're going to pull your questions at a random and…" he trailed off as soon as he saw question. "Prongs, can we change it?"

"We have a rule, Wormy," James reminded, shrugging at the man seated in front of him. "What is it?"

Sirius leaned closer to his right and barked a laugh as soon as he saw the written words on the parchment, "Oh _Merlin,_ this is good! Don't skip it!"

"I don't want to read it if it made Padfoot happy," Remus grumbled beside James.

"Go on, Wormy," James prodded him.

With a grimace, Peter read, " PreggoLeggoAnon asks: Is it bad to be pregnant at eleven years old? Asking for a friend."

No one made a sound as they were unsure to react, until Sirius burst out laughing maniacally. Peter soon followed with a highly-contagious laugh that James and Remus ended up laughing as well.

"Alright, alright, we have to answer this," James said, still chuckling at the unusual question.

"Surely you can't be _serious_ , Prongs!"

"Well, I am—"

"Because that's me."

Three men groaned simultaneously at the overused pun.

"Who the hell would get pregnant at eleven?" Remus asked incredulously.

"Moony! You have to be empathic!" Sirius chided, looking scandalised at his friend as he tried to keep his own sniggers at bay.

"What? I have never even looked at a girl at eleven!" Remus exclaimed, narrowing his eyes when James and Peter shared a look. "What was that? Why did you two share a look just now?"

"I think you're forgetting someone, Moony," Peter said and continued in a whisper, "D...M."

"What?"

Peter continued to whisper, "D…cas...ows."

"What?"

Sirius, unable to take the charade anymore, bursted from his seat and shouted, "Oh for Merlin's sake, it's Dorcas Meadows!"

"What? Oh—oh! _Oh!_ Merlin, I forgot that," Remus said, grinning to himself. "I remember it now. Man, that chick was badass even as a firstie."

"Thank you for sharing that wonderful thought in front of the entire Hogwarts population," James commented with a grin.

Remus suddenly dropped his head and repeatedly hit it on the desk. Sirius turned off his microphone before he could even utter the first of many curses.

"We have one man down," Sirius announced enthusiastically as James and Peter laughed at their friend's expense.

"Hey, Dorcas. If you're listening, please don't kill Remus. He's a _good_ boy," James pleaded in a mocking tone, sniggering when Remus shot him a glare.

A silvery haze suddenly bursted from the door and Dumbledore's phoenix Patronus enveloped the room. It opened its beak to deliver its message, "Boys, you haven't answered the question yet!"

"We are so going to learn that," James whispered to the three men before him. He then continued, extremely unsure of what he was trying to say, " _Merlin_...um...being pregnant isn't a bad thing...PreggoLeggoAnon. Maybe check your priorities because they're kind of...not in the right way?"

"Way off," Remus muttered, still not fully-recovered from his sudden confession.

"Does she even have priorities?" Sirius wondered out loud.

James groaned as he pleaded to Peter, "Back me up here, Wormy."

"Yeah...what he said," Peter began, swallowing hard, he continued, "I think you should mention it to your parents and discuss it with the guy... _er_...your partner."

"That's a good advice, Wormy," James said warmly. Sirius and Remus sent warm smiles to Peter as well.

"We just had a gay moment," Sirius explained to their 'listeners'.

"There's nothing wrong in being gay, Padfoot," Remus scoffed at him.

"Yeah, there isn't at all, just wanted to make that clear to my date tomorrow."

"You got a date?" James asked sceptically.

"Yeah, I got a date with... _um_ —" he trailed off and looked at them in confusion. Ignoring Remus' groan, he shot a thankful smile at Peter, who mouthed the name at him, "—Mary MacDonald."

James snorted as he said, "Nice save."

Another one of Dumbledore's Patronus arrived in their room and said, "You're getting off-topic, boys!"

Remus reiterated the message even though the message echoed in the room. "We just received another Patronus from Dumbledore. We're getting off-topic."

"Let me pick another question." James caught the bowl Peter tossed him. Quickly picking a piece of parchment, he barked a laugh before reading it, "Griffin71 asks: Why are werewolves ugly?"

Peter and Sirius ended up in hysterics, while Remus clutched his head in frustration. Was the world against him today?

James tried to keep a straight face as he said, "Dear Griffin71, first of all, you have a spiffing name."

"Gee, I wonder what's his house?" Sirius drawled that was almost reminiscent of Snape.

"Something tells me it's not Gryffindor," Remus said so drily that the men around him started laughing again. He glared at the strip of parchment in James' hand. He hated Griffin71 so much.

"Second, after extensively studying about werewolves," James continued after recovering.

"Are you really going to answer this question?" Remus asked incredulously, glaring at the still laughing figures of Peter and Sirius.

James ignored him as he continued, "We can attest that werewolves look _absolutely_ gorgeous under the glistening moonlight."

"That sounds like you did it with a werewolf, Prongs," Sirius said as he guffawed.

"What ' _it'_?" Peter asked.

"Oh _Godric_ , please don't romanticise it," Remus groaned, hiding his face in his hands.

"Exchanged wands?" Sirius suggested, sniggering as he did so. "I can't say it out loud! We promised Albus to keep it safe for our young listeners."

"Not wands, Padfoot," James corrected him with the most pompous tone he could muster. In a daze, he whispered, "It was extremely sensual as our limbs entangled and my _hard antlers_ — if you know what I mean —" he paused, sending an exaggerated wink to Peter that sent the poor rat Animagus in tears again.

"Next question!" Remus announced before James could continue.

"Don't be a buzzkill, Moony," Sirius chided him, still laughing from their topic.

"We just ate up half of our time!"

"Calm your hippogriffs! I bet no one's listening. Dumbledore's our only listener, I think."

"Really?" James asked in surprise. "Well, then, it wouldn't hurt to say this then: Hey, Aunt Minnie! You looked lovely with your robes and hat today!"

Peter looked at him dubiously. "She wears the same colour of robes, Prongs."

"She looks lovely every single day then."

"Can we please switch segments before Prongs mentions every professor," Sirius whinged.

"You're the biggest flirt, Pads," Remus said, scoffing at the dog Animagus in front of him, "so you don't have the right to complain."

"I am not— _Ha!_ You owe me ten galleons, Prongs," Sirius said triumphantly and thrusted a hand towards the stag Animagus.

"You suck, Moony," James grumbled as he begrudgingly placed ten galleons on the outstretched palm in front of him.

"Padfoot bet that he can make you claim he's a bigger flirt than Prongs," Peter explained when he noticed the confused expression painted on the werewolf's face.

"I wasn't aware that was something to be proud about."

Dumbledore's Patronus came in again with a similar message, "Off-topic again, boys!"

"So that was Dumbledore again," James began conversationally. "Stop sending your Patronus, Dumbledore! You're going to reveal our hidden base!"

"Next segment is mine then," Remus began, "I recommend everyone to read Across The Trenches. It's a great action novel about a half-blood wizard discovering his blood is capable of Old Magic—"

"Has Wormy read this?" James cut him off.

"Yep, passed Wormy standards."

Sirius went on to explain to their listeners, "If anyone is listening — 'ello Dumblydoor — Wormy here has a good dungheapiticus meter — dubbed by yours truly — that can measure if the book is complete rubbish or not. He reads anything you hand him — I mean it — and if he stopped reading it halfway, it means it's rubbish. If you want recommendations, he's your man."

"If Wormy wakes up with hundreds of books in his bed, it's your fault, Pads."

"Free books, not a bad thing," Peter said, grinning at James.

"You heard it from the man himself! Send him books!" Sirius proclaimed enthusiastically.

"Hey, I didn't say that," Peter explained, feeling flustered as he did so.

"His birthday is on the 21st of May so send in books," Remus chipped in.

"No one would actually send me, you know," Peter muttered under his breath.

"That's complete rubbish!" James declared.

Dumbledore's Patronus came in and before the phoenix could open its mouth, Sirius complained, "But we're talking about moldy books!"

Remus sighed as he watched the Patronus scutter out of the room and said, "I think it's time for the theories, Wormy."

"Listeners — if we have — I swear to Merlin's bloody ba... _bells_ that this is all they talk about when we're not making pranks!" James explained.

"So which one are you going to tell, Wormy?" Remus asked.

"What do you want, Padfoot?" Peter directed the question to the man seated beside him.

"The Fat Lady portrait, please!" Sirius answered with eagerness.

Remus looked out in amusement as he said, "I wish everyone could see this. It's like he's a dog wagging his tail so hard in excitement."

"But he _is_ a dog," James retorted, sharing grins with Remus.

"Shut up and let Peter tell the story please!"

"Sheesh, alright, calm your hippogriffs."

Peter took in a deep breath as he narrated in a mysterious tone, " **Theory number twenty-eight:** **The Fat Lady Portrait.** This may not make sense since we haven't started from the beginning—"

"We have loads of theories that maybe Salazar Slytherin isn't all that bigoted as they make him to be and that he was really good friends with the Founders!"

"— Thank you for that enthusiastic run down, Padfoot. As I was saying, we have a theory that The Fat Lady is actually...drum roll, please," Peter requested, momentarily forgetting that it wasn't just them hearing their conversation. Of course, the other three members of the group acquiesced to his request as they vehemently tapped their hands on their desks.

"— Salazar's mother-in-law. We were riling her... _err_...I _mean_ we were just talking about nonsense in front of her when she started cursing at us for even mentioning the name Salazar Slytherin in front of her."

"It was awfully weird...and scary...she got all red splotchy as she ranted how her daughter fell for that 'nobody'," James recalled, shuddering as he did so.

"We have another theory why she's in front of the portrait though that's for another session?" Peter finished in hesitation.

"What! No, you've got to tell it now!

"Stop being a dork, Padfoot," Remus said. "You've heard this plenty of times!"

"Time is almost up!" James reminded them. "Here's a quick trivia before we go: Gryffindor is going to win next week's match! See you next week! This is the handsome Prongs!"

"Dashing Padfoot," Sirius said in the most sultry voice he could muster.

"I'm Wormtail," Peter said, grinning this time.

"And I'm Moony!"

"Don't forget to cause mischief tomorrow!" James happily reminded their listeners.

"And kiss Dumbledore square on the lips!" Sirius chimed in.

* * *

A black cat wandered around the halls, hunting for students who might have decided to break curfew and wander around the castle. She swished her tail back and forth as if in uncertainty that was soon forgotten as she ran across the hall. She gracefully stopped in front of the house of red and gold's entrance.

Facing the sleeping portrait, the cat took several steps back and returned to her own body. Minerva McGonagall, in her usual black robes, leaned in and whispered, "Salazar Slytherin is the best."

"YOU INSOLENT BASTARD! GET AWAY FROM ME AND MY DAUGHTER, YOU SNAKE!"

The woman would never tell it, but the toe-curling screams and blood-shot eyes of the Fat Lady will haunt her for many years as she ran away in her Animagus form.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you have any questions for the Marauders? Needing any advice? Yes, I will incorporate this in the story. :)
> 
> Cheers for reading! x


	3. You-Know-Her

_A Marauder Archive_

_A Summary Written by Remus John Lupin_

_Episode Two_

_**You-Know-Her** _

_**-** _

Episode Two is all about revelations: You-Know-Her, Merlin's Order, Hogwarts motto, Padfoot not knowing what an unbreakable vow is— _stupid_ , right? The most important revelation of all is how our beloved Prongsie made a bet and still owes me 20 chocolate frogs! I know you're the only one who reads this! I'll be imposing one per cent interest for every single hour you'll miss. It's retroactive! Oh _shush_ , this isn't unfair, Wormy. Yeah, you're right…I barely got any sleep for the past week. I've been revising like crazy. I'm so tired, I feel like I'm drunk. What? Recording? _Oh._ Shite.

* * *

"Hey, hey, hey!"

"Are you imitating Santa Claus, Prongs?" Peter asked.

"Santa Claus?" James asked in return, confusion evident on his face. "Who's that bloke?"

Remus stared blankly at the two men before directly speaking to the microphone in front of him, "Can you believe that? We have been on-air for a couple of seconds and we're off the tangent already."

"Oh _right_ —welcome, beautiful wizards and witches!" James greeted enthusiastically. "This is the handsome Prongs speaking!" He finished it off with a wink and a grin.

"The dashing Padfoot at your service," Sirius continued, mimicking James with an exaggerated wink of his own.

Peter watched them with a grin of his own. "This is Wormtail."

"And I'm Moony," Remus said, shaking his head to hide his amusement.

"We're still not yet sure how this works," James said.

"Yeah, please continue thanking Albus for that," Sirius threw in again, grinning as he remembered the numerous letters that came in for the Headmaster in the past week.

"Please _don't_. Headmaster Dumbledore threatened to cut our tea supply if he receives more letters next week," Remus muttered weakly.

"Dumbledore? Threaten? _Please_ ," James scoffed.

"Albus hides a bit of calming draught in his lemondrops. That's the most threatening shite he could possibly do," Sirius said, waving off Remus' worries in his own way.

"He does?" Peter managed to squeak out.

"But— _my tea_ —what if he does? I don't know what I'll do," Remus weakly voiced out his thoughts.

"Serious question, Moony—tea or chocolate?"

Remus looked at James in terror, as if he was being asked by _the_ Dorcas Meadows if he was a werewolf or not. James shrugged at the other occupants in the room when he received no response from the werewolf.

"One man down!" James happily announced as Peter laughed at Remus' dazed expression.

"Shame on you, Moony. We've only been on-air for a few minutes," Sirius complained. "If anyone is interested to be our _fourth_ member, send your names in our _Maraubins_."

"If we're replacing someone, it's your ugly arse," James snorted, pulling the bowl towards his direction.

" _Hey!"_

"Wormy, left or right?"

"Left?"

James dug in his right hand in the bowl to pick a piece of parchment for their 'Hogwarts Asks' segment. Clearing his throat, he read, "FutureOM1 asks: Any tips on how I can get a Merlin's Order?"

"That is an interesting question," Peter commented.

"No, that's easy," Sirius said, waving off their thinking faces, "you buy it. That's what my grandfather did."

"If you're a bigoted man that's bloody rich, I guess that's one of your choices," James conceded. Shrugging, he said, "Or like Dumbledore, you can defeat a dark lord. Now _that's_ what I'm going to do if I want to get an Order of Merlin."

Peter cleared his throat, looking uncomfortable with the topic. "Didn't...um...that Damocles bloke receive a Second Class a year ago for the Wolfsbane Potion?"

"Yeah, it should've been a First Class! You better fix that, Minchum!"

"Agreed, _Snuffles_. It should've been a First Class. His cause was very... _deer_ to our hearts."

"We've agreed to not use that name while we're on air!" Sirius exclaimed.

"Your pun is an eight, Prongs," Peter remarked.

"Thank you, Wormtail, sir," James said dramatically with a flourish of a half bow. Looking at the man seated on his right, he poked the werewolf and said, "Moony, wake up. We miss you."

"I don't," Sirius chimed.

James pouted, pushing the bowl in Peter's direction. "Why don't you pick, Wormy?"

Peter quickly pulled a question out of the bowl. "Looks like you have a fangirl, Pads," he commented. He read it outloud this time before Sirius could nick it out of his hands, "LadySBlacK asks: Question for the handsome Sirius. What do you use on your hair? Your hair smells amazing. I have a strand of it and I sleep beside it every night. It's still fresh!"

"That is absolutely disgusting," James grimaced.

Sirius only puffed up his chest as he relished the compliment he received, "Thank you for that wonderful question, LadySBlack. You certainly do have extraordinary tastes."

James faked gagged while Peter laughed at his antics.

"Now that you've asked about my silky locks, what I use is—"

"Chocolates!" Remus cried out.

"Now, now, Moony. It's a common misconception that I use chocolates for my skin. What I use are blood—"

"I choose chocolates!" Remus cried out once again. With a sorrowful sigh, he closed his eyes as if he had just committed the biggest mistake in his entire life.

"Surprise!" James brandished a chocolate frog in his palm. It took awhile for the werewolf to answer, but he knew that he would've ended up choosing chocolate.

"Oh sweet Morgana," Remus cooed at the chocolate in front of him before grabbing it with much fervor that it scared the three men in front of him.

"As I was saying before you two rudely interrupted me." Sirius shot them pointed looks when James smuggled Peter a chocolate frog. He loosened up when James passed him a chocolate frog as well. "What I use is the—" He took out a bottle in his pockets to brandish it to everyone. "—Sleekeazy's Hair Potion!"

"Stop!" James yelled at him and attempted to retrieve the chocolate he just gave. Sadly, the dog Animagus just popped the chocolate inside his mouth.

"Is that really effective?" Peter asked with his mouth full of chocolate.

"Honestly, it's the best thing ever!" Sirius declared, moving away from James' hexes. He stood up, microphone in hand, and stalked away from the incoming James Potter. "Here's a trivia for you all: Sleekeazy's was invented by the exceptional _Fleamont_ Potter, grandfather of our Quidditch extraordinaire, James Charlus Potter!"

" _Stop it!"_

Still evading the clutches of an irritated Potter, he announced, "I swear on my magic that it works on every type of hair—except for Potter hair because it's _utter_ dungheap—and it'll turn your hair silky smooth like mine." He added, "And if you buy one, you get a date from our Prongsie over here!"

"No, I'm loyal to Evans!"

"You...you just did an Unbreakable Vow, Padfoot," Peter gaped at the Black heir.

"Oh, so that was the warm feeling that came over me!"

James snorted. "What did you think it was?"

"My confession towards my only love," Sirius said dramatically, placing a hand on his heart. He paused, took a deep breath and said, "Sleekeazy's Hair Potion!"

"Padfoot!" James cried before jumping down on the dog Animagus. He gave out a shout of triumph when he successfully pinned him down.

"Hey Moony, you have a Tilly Toke?" Peter asked as he peered at the werewolf's card. Remus was holding a Uric the Oddball card. "Want to exchange? I have five of her already."

"I have twenty-five. Maybe you could post it on the notice-board later," Remus said in a daze, staring at the half-eaten chocolate sitting in Peter's hand.

"Y-yeah," Peter squeaked out before shoving the rest of the chocolate in his mouth. He was genuinely scared for his life right now.

James and Sirius were still wrestling on the ground when a phoenix Patronus came inside the room.

"Boys, please, talk about something relevant! Argh, fine, I'm increasing your tea supply!"

Remus snapped out of his daze and zeroed in on the stag and dog Animagus on the floor. "You heard Dumbledore! Up and sit your arses in the proper places! _Now!"_

"Woah," James muttered under his breath. "You reminded me of Mum for a second there."

Once they found their seats, Sirius told Remus, "I wish you were my Moomy, Moony."

"Moomy," Peter repeated with a grin.

"Moomy," James repeated with an even bigger grin.

Remus took a deep breath. "I want my tea so I'll ignore what I just heard."

"Alright, Moomy," James responded, leaning closer to the werewolf as if in anticipation. Peter and Sirius leaned forward on their elbows as well.

"You are all dorks," Remus muttered when he saw three identical looks on him. The trio were looking at him with their heads cupped on their hands. Realizing that they weren't going to stop with their antics, he pulled the bowl towards him and pulled out a question. "RavenLaw asks: All of you are Gryffindors. How did you put the Maraubins inside all of the common rooms?"

"First of all, Ravenlaw, how rude of you to assume we're all Gryffindors!" Sirius said in a mocking tone. "Is it because we're all extremely hot and funny and cool?"

"Second, I like the name. Subtle change game you got going there," Peter commented with a thumbs up in the air. "Good job!"

"Third, I heard the tone of wonder in your question, RavenLaw! You are right to wonder in our magical prowess. We are noble men, looking for a little challenge in our lives and—"

"What Prongs is saying is that you can kick his arse and he won't tell you a thing on how we did it."

"Moomy! What incorrigible language you have!"

"Can't we tell a little, Prongs?" Peter asked.

" _Please_. Wormy, a gentleman never tells his secret," James said with a wink. "And we're four _fine_ gentlemen."

"I think someone will be impressed if you tell it," Sirius said in a sing-song manner.

"We actually have a ma—" Remus quickly casted a Silencing Charm on him.

"Idiot," he muttered under his breath as he watched James continue his silent explanations with lively hand gestures to boot. Sirius and Peter were shaking with laughter beside him.

"You bloody twat, you were ready to tell our secrets!" Sirius accused, laughing when James noticed what he was supposed to do.

"We're doing all these amazing things—I know, _I know,_ stop looking at me like that! I know _I'm_ the one who told all of you to keep it a secret—this is actually the least of them! I think it's fine to divulge a little," James finished with a grimace.

"If you plan on telling it, then you'll be needing to reveal secrets number two and three," Remus said.

"No, it's secrets number three and four," James corrected him.

"I think secret number one hardly counts as a secret, Prongs," Peter whispered to James.

"In case any of you are wondering, our secret number one is: Prongs loves Lily Evans."

" _Padfoot!_ I do _not_ love Lily Evans! _"_

"Surprise," Remus said drily. "You owe me ten chocolate frogs. Just reminding you, no big deal. I want it tomorrow."

"Woah—what's this bet?" Sirius asked. Peter nodded vigorously beside him.

"Moony made me promise not to mention Ev— _You–Know–Her_ —during our episodes," James said sulkily.

"He made the promise himself," Remus scoffed and imitated James' tone, "Oh Moony, you shouldn't get worried! One mention of Evans will get you ten chocolate frogs!"

"So that's why you didn't mention Lily's name in the last episode," Peter surmised.

James only pouted in response before speaking to the microphone in front of him. "Hey, Evans," he began, pushing away Moony's hand when he asked for another batch of chocolate frogs. " _You-Know-Her_ , would you like to be part of our show? We can make you an honorary Marauder."

"I have to admit, Lily, the place is cosy. Endless supply of tea as well."

James snapped his head towards Remus' direction. "How does she like her tea?"

Remus raised an eyebrow at him. "Why don't you ask her yourself that?"

"She wouldn't—she'd only end up shou—nevermind," James mumbled, an unusual sight for everyone who knew him.

Remus shrugged at the other two men before moving on to the next topic. "Well, I don't have much to recommend today since I've started revising for O.W.L.s."

"Nerd," Sirius muttered under his breath.

"Anyway," Remus intoned, "this recommendation is mainly for firsties who haven't read 'Loony Nonby vs Cornish Pixie'. It's a humorous comic book about Loony Nonby, a wizard that's constantly bothered by Cornish Pixies."

"That was my religion when we were in first year," Peter said in a nostalgic tone.

Sirius snorted. "I hated it."

"You hated it because Lily claimed Loony's more handsome than you," Remus said drily.

"Blasphemy! There's too many plot holes!"

"It's actually answered if only you kept on reading, Padfoot! In issue #181, the prophecy named him the saviour of—"

"I don't think our listeners will appreciate the spoilers, Moony," Peter said meekly.

"It's just Albus," Sirius waved off his worries.

Dumbledore's Patronus suddenly burst in the room with more urgency than usual. "No spoilers, _please_!"

"You need to sort out your priorities, Albus," Sirius chastised him. "That issue came out a week ago!"

"I think we can move to the next segment now," Remus offered before the Headmaster could send another Patronus.

"Please tell theory number ninety!"

"You got it, snuffles." Peter grinned at them. "Theory number ninety: Hogwarts motto. According to our sources—"

"It's the hat!" Sirius gasped. "The Sorting Hat!"

"The same hat who requested anonymity," Remus reminded him.

Sirius dramatically rolled his eyes before letting out a deep sigh. "What's the hat going to do? Munch on my brains?"

"Ahem—" Peter interjected. "Might as well tell the story, mates? Alright, so we were trying to enchant the sorting haaaaa—oh—uh, yes, enchanting it with our looks—no magic used, Headmaster—"

Sirius emitted a wheeze, Remus palmed his forehead and James looked at him amusedly.

"Smooth, Wormy."

He grimaced at James before continuing, "As I was saying, the sorting hat told us that we were exasperating and acted similar to the founders—"

Sirius pounded his hands on the table before grabbing the microphone in front of him with gusto. "The tosser said I was similar to the snake! Can you believe that!"

"You can't escape your destiny, Padfoot," Remus said with a patronizing tone.

"Shut up, Mr. I-Knew-It-I-Was-Supposed-To-Be-In-Ravenclaw!"

"Oh come on, stop fighting," James attempted to placate them, hands raised in their directions. "We can't all be pure noble Gryffindors..."

"Because you're a simpleton, Prongs."

"Moony!" James gasped, his hands clutching his chest now. "I never—I gave you a chocolate frog!"

"Hardworking hufflepuffs to save the day," Peter sighed. "Now that you know our supposed...roles? Yeah, I don't know a proper word— the Hat told us how the founders came up with the motto!"

" _Draco dormiens nunquam titillandus_ ," Remus recited. "Never tickle a sleeping dragon."

Peter nodded eagerly at Remus. "Apparently, the founders found— _heh_ —Hogwarts as an abandoned castle. They spent months fixing, cleaning and enchanting stuff here. Truly amazing, right? Powerful. Anyway, they were almost done with all of their plans when Godric and Salazar suddenly found a hidden area of the castle. Would anyone like to take a guess of what they found?"

"A dragon," they replied simultaneously, all of them saying it in a different manner.

"A dragon," Peter mimicked James' eager tone and ignored the dry and sarcastic tones of Remus and Sirius. "Salazar then raised a bet: he would name his first-born son in Godric's honor if he tickled the dragon. Godric—well, he was the embodiment of being a Gryffindor—he did it. The dragon awoke, almost killed them and destroyed the entire castle. The hat told us that they almost died again because of Rowena. She was so mad."

"I felt the hat's shivers," James commented quietly. The other three young men nodded somberly beside him.

"Helga thought it was funny. She had fun watching Godric and Salazar running away from the dragon _and_ Rowena," Peter said.

"Guess we now know why _that_ was the code to the kitchens," Sirius whispered to them, covering the microphone with his hands. Three identical grins were directed at him.

"And now everyone knows why that's Hogwarts' motto!" Peter continued a little louder this time. "Rowena got so mad that she made it their motto so Godric will never forget it."

"I can't blame her," Remus shrugged at them, "It sounds like something we'd do, especially you, Prongsie."

"Me? You and—"

"No, just you, Prongsie. You and your neverending things-to-do-in-life."

James scoffed at him. "You know what, the all-knowing Moony? I would like to offer you a trivia: I just added 'prank Moony during potions' in my cauldron list! See you next week, everyone! This is the handsome Prongs!"

Sirius let out a whoop before saying, "And this is the dashing padfoot!"

"I'm the hardworking Wormtail?" Peter suggested.

Remus shook his head at their antics. "I'm Not-Your-Moomy Moony."

"Don't forget to cause mischief tomorrow!" James exclaimed, blowing a raspberry at Remus' direction.

"And kiss Dumbledore square on the lips!" Sirius chimed in, blowing a kiss at Remus' direction.

* * *

Dumbledore pinched the bridge of his nose. For the past week, he received numerous letters from students and parents alike, filled with questions and word of warnings he simply ignored. The benefits Hogwarts gained from the entire ordeal weighed heavier than the drawbacks they might possibly get in the long run. Based on the first program, the marauders' station will give every employee in Hogwarts at least an hour to breathe.

It was a collective experience that everyone enjoyed—even he himself enjoyed listening to it. Even Hogwarts itself! He was certain that he could feel the thrumming of magic beneath his fingers.

But this week...it was different. He received letters from the staff and the press, requesting for an audience before the "Great Wizarding Hat". Of course, he ignored them all, including the attempts that were made by the staff itself to break into his office in an attempt to converse with the Hat.

Dumbledore sighed deeply and stared longingly at the high drawer where the hat was situated.

"You won't even dare have a proper conversation with me, yet you told them stories?!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Last paper and I am officially done with the semester. This chapter is an advance celebration of that. Anyhoo, same question - Do you have any questions for the Marauders? Needing any advice? Yes, I will incorporate these in the story. :) For the questions previously posted/sent, I'll be adding those in a bit! This was already drafted when I posted ch1. Cheers for reading! x


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